This post is long overdue. I know most posts on the blog are fashion-related, but I’ve also always thought it was important to discuss body image, politics pertaining to our bods, sizism, the vast definition of beauty, and just the idea that folk need to show kindness and compassion towards other folks. I believe wholeheartedly in transparency and intense honesty. I think it’s good for everyone, can lead to amazing, important discussions, and can be therapeutic. So… why have I been less than active on the blog?
The long and short of why I haven’t been active on the blog is depression. More specifically, a rather debilitating sense of self-hatred. I know that sounds harsh, and possibly even cliche, but there you have it. I love to tell others that they are smart, beautiful, and fabulous, but I’ve always struggled with grasping that concept when it comes to how I view myself. Before I go further, I want to make it crystal clear that this is not a post to get sympathy or pity- this is a tool for me to work out my bugs, and also a way to reach out to anyone who deals with this as well.
I don’t like to put emphasis on weight because people (myself included) have made my weight a major focus in my life, and no matter what size, folks always hear negative things about their size. That being said, I have been gaining, and I do not like the way it makes me feel. It’s not as much about what a see in the mirror, though admittedly, that is part of it as well. I am heavier today than I have ever been, and it scares the living shit out of me. Being scared and also not being able to love yourself is a vicious cycle. People like to say things like “If you don’t like the way you look or feel, then stop complaining and just do something about it.” They say it as if it’s that easy, and it’s something you’d never thought of before. No one ever says “Look, I know that your so sad that you feel like you can’t move, and that you’re going to have to dig deeper than you think you can in order to find that motivation. It’s gonna suck, it’s gonna be hard, but if you just take that first step, and keep trying, you can do it.” Sometimes, when you’re paralyzed by fear and self-loathing, you need someone to confirm that depression sucks, anxiety sucks and makes you feel like you truly cannot move, and that, while it may be a long road, there IS a road.
So I’m in it. It stinks. It’s hard. It’s sad. It’s scary. But I’m in it, I’m working on it, and as of today, it seems like I’m crawling out. Does that mean tomorrow won’t be difficult? Nope. Everyday is different and comes with it’s own challenges. But I’m here, I’m doing the dirty work, and I’m going to continue to do my best. Just know that if this is something you have to deal with, that I am right alongside you. Maybe nothing I say will take away that lonely feeling, but you are not alone. I’m here in the trenches with you, and if we keep our eyes on the prize, maybe tomorrow will be easier.